The Darkness: Part 3/5
Trigger warning: Anxiety, Depression, & Panic
Here’s the thing about running—it works, until it doesn’t. Güven and I? We’re doers. We know how to hustle. Need something done? We’re your people. But when it came to sitting with our feelings, actually processing grief, recognizing patterns, communicating clearly, listening with intention, and, you know, emotionally adulting? We weren’t exactly getting gold stars.
Güven had already left behind everything: his family, friends, his entire 30-year life in Türkiye, and was trying to survive his first Cleveland winter. (Which, for reference, is like being drop-kicked into a frozen lake and told to enjoy it.) Then in 2015, we moved again for his job, this time to Reston, Virginia. New place, no friends, no family. Just the two of us. And that’s when the fairy tale crumbled.
Right before Thanksgiving, I had my first panic episode. One minute I was brushing my teeth, the next I was on the bathroom floor, shaking so violently I couldn’t stop. Time disappeared. Maybe it was minutes, but probably it was hours. All I knew was that I was out of control, and I couldn’t find my way back. That night ended in the ER. What followed was months.. years, really.. of fear that seeped into everything.
Mortality. Safety. Security. It all felt like it had slipped through my fingers overnight. In the weeks after, I could barely step outside. One time, I abandoned my car at a toll booth in DC traffic because the panic swallowed me whole. (If you’ve ever driven in the metro DC area, you’ll know that the only thing scarier than a panic attack is being the person who causes a backup on the Dulles Toll Road.)
Güven became my lifeline: caretaker, protector, the person who called me back to myself when my brain was screaming that the world wasn’t safe. I started therapy and learned about EMDR, a trauma-processing tool that felt like the closest thing to magic I’d ever experienced. I also dipped my toes into the world of antidepressants. Lexapro? Nope. Zoloft? Also nope. But it took me a few years to realize that “feeling terrible in a slightly different way” wasn’t exactly the goal. (Shoutout to my people-pleasing tendencies for keeping me in situations longer than necessary.)
I leaned on yoga. I buried my face in my cat Jasper’s fur more times than I can count. And finally, we made the only decision that felt right; we walked away. We quit our jobs, sold our car for cash to fund our escape, and drove straight to Columbus, Ohio.
It wasn’t the end of the darkness, but it was a way out of the worst of it.
And sometimes, that’s enough to keep going.
Threads of fate
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Threads of fate 〰️
Threads of Fate, Woven Into Every Stitch
Just like our love story, every piece at Together Textiles is made with deep connection and intention.
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About Together Textiles:
Cozy, sustainable, and versatile, Together Textiles designs robes and towels traditionally woven on looms in Turkey using the same techniques passed down four generations. Purchasing from Together Textiles means you are supporting an ancient craft, along with a budding family of five who loves connecting with the local communities while splitting time between Türkiye and our studio in Ohio. Follow the family business journey on Instagram @togethertextiles or read the blog togethertextiles.com/blog.
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